I can be ungrateful sometimes. To those around me, trying to support me. When im chasing dreams, obsessed with this idea of "growth" and "moving forward", I can be dismissive of the present, and of those who are here with me now. I can be impatient, irritable, and selfish. I can be so focused on the future that I forget to appreciate the present. Especially when the present is good, and comfortable, and safe.
Today, when washing the plates, I started crying. I was thinking about how much I want to be somewhere else, doing something else, as a different person, with different people. I was thinking about how much I want to be more successful, more accomplished, more admired. I was thinking about how much I want to be loved. And all the while, I am here, washing the plates, with warm water soothing my hands, a cool breeze coming through the window, Tom Ford cologne on my skin.
Im less than a year out from graduating my PhD, being in law school, one step closer to my "where I want to be", and yet I am crying here now, because I feel so far away. Isn't that ridiculous? When I think about it, I feel ridiculous.
I am wishing away the present moment, wishing away the people who love me, wishing away the life I have now, in pursuit of some future ideal which I hope will provide me with the satisfaction that is on the plate in front of me now, but which I am too blind to see.